CPR vs Destroyers (Newton HS, Queens NY)

November 15, 2009

Editor's Note - This week marks an unprecedented event in the history of the Central Park Rangers football club:  2 match reports have been written for the same match.  Both follow below. 

Match Report - by B. Fetzer

The match against the winless Destroyers began with little fanfare despite the energizing sight of Lukaszewski playing up top (note - with regular GK Penrod absent, the manager concluded that for each half a volunteer played in goal, he would have his choice of where to play on the pitch for the other half of the match)

Solid defensive play in front of Serge “Fabian” Verdoux in net soon translated to chances. Smith opened the sheet off a nice cross from Bustamante. The lack of pace from the opposition was evident allowing the oldest man on the pitch to test the woodwork from outside the box. Lukaszewski’s form was soon known as he Manny-ed a sitter into the adjacent tennis court. No I didn’t know there was a tennis court over there either. Smith took matters into his own hands and tallied his second goal of the match with a screamer through the hands of a helpless keeper.

The third goal of the match can only be described as sublime. Phillips controlled the ball through a handful of defenders and fed a fleeting Fetzer who effortlessly placed the ball in the back of the net.

Smith must have taken some offense to this beautiful goal and quickly added his trifecta served up by Gudkov from the left wing.

The half ended 4-0 and Verdoux took his hard earned spot up top for the second half. Less than a minute in he ripped one off the crossbar from what seemed forty yards out. Phillips maintained pressure on goal throughout the half with numerous near misses.

Given the new found consistency of service on corners it was only a matter of time before Ault found the net to open the second half scoring. Verdoux didn’t take long to cap off the complete day with a goal of his own. The first man this season to tally an equal number of saves and goals in the same match. Bustamante finished the scoring after controlling the front for the better part of the match. Poetic justice.

Lukaszewski finished off the clean sheet and CPR Black took home a 7-0 victory.

7-0 win, The Smith Show & The Paul Lukaszewski-phenomenon - by P. Bustamante

Sunday’s game lasted for 10 minutes after that it could hardly be called a game. It reminded me of one of those College Football games (the American kind), when a top rank school like Florida plays an unranked team. It can only end one way, but the game still has to be played and the entire spectacle around it still has to be made.

Nevertheless, there were moments of pure magic during the 90 minutes that are worth mentioning. Moments when the fans forgot about the score and admired the perfection in CPR’s football, moments of exquisite movement of the ball that not even the pitching mounds could destroy (only in the USA!).

The game ended 7-0, a positive result for CPR. Looking at the score with American eyes, it was good for the stats. Looking at it with European eyes, it was just another day at the office and 3 more points in the bag. 10 minutes into the game, the “Smith show” began. Coming from midfield, he lost his marker and scored with a close-range half-volley. A nice cross from striker Bustamante created the opportunity that led to the goal. 5 minutes after, the incredible happened, “The Lukaszewski-phenomenon”, I’ll discuss this in further detail later in report.

Smith added another one to his account after releasing a bullet from 25 yards. The keeper never saw it, and to be honest he is probably happy that he is still alive. In a matter of 10 minutes CPR killed the game by scoring two more goals. Fetzer assisted by Phillips and Smith completed his hattrick assisted by Gudkov with a beautiful cross from the left.

The second half started with French winger Verdoux introducing himself for the day by hitting the post with a tremendous blast. Verdoux, probably the best versatility player in the league, played the first half in goal, and in the second half he was back to his normal position as left winger. Verdoux, often compared to his countryman Cantona for his skills and his extreme passion for football, ended the game with an elegant chip over the goalkeeper. Before that, Bustamante finally found the net and Oceania showed that they’re talented even outside the rugby field. Former Aussie international D. Ault showed his superior understanding of the game when he stepped up from his central defender position, stopped the attack and started the counter-attack. He found Kiwi Jesse Phillips, who turned on a nickel and put a perfect through-ball behind the last four to a running Ault that finished this magic moment with a clinical touch. The game ended 7-0 but why was everybody talking about Paul Lukaszewski?

This incident has not only been debated on ESPN and Fox Soccer channel but even “The Mythbusters” on the Discovery channel have tried to explain the unexplainable. 6 feet from the goal line, Paul Lukaszewski found himself unmarked to take care of a rebound, the ball barely in motion, anything else than a goal would be against the laws of physics. Somehow the ball rises over the bar and ends up almost 100 yards away in some distant tennis court. It wasn’t a goal, but it was a perfect homerun. It didn’t count in soccer field but it would have been a 50 yard field goal in Giant Stadium.

The Lukaszewski-phenomenon has kept me sleepless for days and as an investigating journalist I couldn’t let it go. The only explanation that I found was; that in that specific moment he must have thought he was in Croke Park, Dublin playing GAELIC FOOTBALL, there is no other explanation!!!

PS. Fastforward to 1.38 and listen to the comment about the goal.

Final Score:  7-0

Goals:  Smith (3, assists Bustamante, Gudkov), Fetzer (assist Phillips), Ault (assist Phillips), Verdoux, Bustamante

Man of the Match:  Smith (2nd week running)

Team:  Ault, Bustamante, Calcagni, Fetzer, Goertzen, Gudkov, Lukaszewski, Phillips, Smith, Stern, Verdoux

Mike Ds (no-shows):  Greicius

Special Thanks:  Andy

Fans:  5 (Bev, the Fetzer Clan, Ault Sr)

Team Bar Attendance:  unknown

Editor's Note - The author of this blog accepts responsibilty for the glaring miss, but would like to point out that he technically missed wide, and believes this may be a reasonable approximation for the situation referenced above (just envision shooting wide, from more of an angle, instead of hitting the bar)