Match Report Disclaimer:

It has come to my attention that after 10 years of writing match reports and numerous commendations from both inside & outside the club, there have been a couple of recent opponents whose thin skin and penchant for the latest American fad of political correctness has caused copious weeping at the unfairness of their portrayals. I humbly apologize and would suggest the following in order to avoid being cruelly called out:

• If you have been called a donkey, feel free to avail yourself of the many practice facilities and pick up games around the city to up your game. It is not my fault that you are a donkey, and if you don’t like it then you need to practice.

• If you have been called fat, then the next time you are at the buffet table I would refrain from piling your plate to the point that it puts the chandelier in mortal danger. Alternatively you may choose to follow my strategy and make sure you remain thin enough comparatively to enough of your teammates so that you blend in. This strategy will not work if your entire team is composed of fatties.

• If you have been called a dirty player, then I would stop tackling people with your studs up from behind while also throwing elbows and sticking your fingers into various opponent’s orifices (Teesdale had to use a doll to show what happened to him last week). Physical play is fine, but if you are dirty you will be called out. We play to have fun and all have to work on Monday (well, most of us).

• If you are a referee then I would suggest you read the rules since you are getting paid for implementing them. Nobody doubts that refereeing is a brutal job, the problem arises when the following happens:

o You implement the rules inconsistently, letting one tackle go, giving a yellow for the identical tackle and then let the next one go

o You allow increasingly physical play to escalate out of line forcing the players to take matters into their own hands

o You create your own rules. An example would be last weekend when you didn’t see an incident and decided to give both players a red card. I repeat, you told us you didn’t see the incident, and decided to give both players a red card. Think about that stupidity for a second.

o You decide that a Sunday league Over 30’s game is an opportunity to show how it should be you officiating the Champions League Final. Examples of this are giving a yellow card to a player before the game for smoking on the side of the field, making both teams march out to the middle of the field and shake hands, forcing players to tuck their shirts in and generally throwing yellow cards around like confetti if anybody even looks at you. You are not the law, you’re just a guy refereeing a game between a bunch of old fat guys. This should be easy. Stop being a pompous jackass.

I accept mediocre refereeing at this level, nay I expect it. I have given many referees praise after games, but if you don’t want to be called out, just avoid the previous 4 rules. And if you are an opponent and don’t want to be insulted, then realize that this is an Over 30’s league played for fun, hence the Man of the Bar awards, the Bar Attendance and the abundant general mockery of team individuals. Feel free to write your own rebuttal, although I pity the fool who tries to match my worldwide audience (the week of November 9th when I reached 202 page views will not soon be forgotten).

Actual Match Report

The previous game against Pele was a hard fought affair in miserable conditions, and this game looked like it would be similar with the weather drizzling from the start. The CPR wedding of Jones & Lankford certainly didn’t help many of their clubmates who showed up much the worse for wear. At least substitutes would not be a problem as the Evite displayed 19, although of course the paradoxical nature of the imminent large turnout is that more people feel that they can bail. The game started with at least 3 substitutes though, and with CPR playing well and stroking the ball around.

	Apparently there was a two for one sale on tights which allowed Casanova & Gallagher to both sport the extremely unmanly apparel

The early goal from CPR resulted from a defensive mistake from a Fink corner, with the defender allowing the ball to bounce off him to the gleefully waiting Venkataraman who smashed it in left footed from inside the box. Pele’s attackers showed menace, although one of them coupled his speed with a distinctly unsportsmanlike physical brutishness. The referee had already signaled his dubious prissiness by chasing individuals to command them to tuck their shirts in, and followed this unnecessary over officiousness by showing a yellow card to Silent for protesting the lack of action on a completely unnecessary hard foul chasing a lost cause.

Self important referees are always a danger at this level, and in this case he made sure to fully impact the game. Not content with bruising Silent Mark, the foul opposition striker decided to start pinching Teesdale and sticking his fingers in his mouth. Although Teesdale reacted with admirable restraint, the referee saw some pushing and inexplicably brandished red cards to both parties. As marked confusion covered all the participants on the pitch, the referee ran to both sidelines to say that he hadn’t seen the incident but did not want to deal with any nonsense so was sending both parties off. The CPR sidelines started a lively debate regarding which was the dumber action, admitting not seeing an incident that you gave 2 red cards for or not just going ahead and giving yellows which may have been understandable. The referee completed his first half of folly by allowing Pele to take a corner, but when CPR cleared it to set off a threatening 2 on 1 counterattack blew the whistle. The fact that it was the 38th minute and he was stopping play in the middle of a clear goalscoring opportunity did not seem to phase him.

Although the defence was playing with confidence it was apparent that Pele possessed some real speed which could prove troublesome, and the lack of goal scoring opportunities by CPR would need to be remedied in the second half. Such was indeed the case, as Pele pushed up opening gaps at the back that the Old Boyz tried to exploit. Unfortunately unlike Pele the attacking midfielders and strikers of CPR did not possess nearly the speed to trouble the opposition defenders on counterattacks. Despite this the Old Boyz came agonizingly close to increasing their lead, with Mershon just missing a chance from a corner that trickled inches wide. A back pass under pressure caused complete confusion from the goalie to the point that he allowed the ball to bounce off the post, with Gallagher’s shot smashing into the side netting (almost inevitably, the referee ordered a corner after the canny CPR yelled with confidence for one).

	He may have had a great game at the heart of the defence, but every time one looked Shafranek was on the ground again. Perhaps using proper cleats instead of ice skates would help.

The generosity by CPR would not go unpunished. As threatened, the Pele striker took the ball in an attacking position and outran the despairing defence to nicely round Becker and score a quality Striker’s goal. So far the match had been almost identical to the previous game down to CPR taking a goal lead in the first half only to give away the advantage in the second. This time the Old Boyz looked to flip the script, and had several chances to do so. Although Pele retained possession in dangerous areas the CPR defenders had one of their finer games, seemingly equal to all attacks when Pele wasn’t allowed to run straight at them. On their one other one on one chance, Becker proved equal to the task by swatting away the striker’s attempt. Fink was unable to continue his rich vein of form, bulleting a header narrowly wide off an excellent Lion cross and then trying to chip the keeper early on a one on one that the keeper was able to bat away.

Unlike the last game, CPR would feel hard done by with the draw, and a little bit of luck would have seen them leave with the deserved win. Although not technically out of the title race, with 2 games remaining and 3 points back it will be tough to manage at this point.

	A long Friday night, early Last Breakfast, Wedding late night and another early morning took its toll at the pub later on Sunday.

Competition: Pele

Location: Randalls Island #75, Randalls Island

Conditions: Drizzly but not totally miserable

Fans: 2 (Lars & Drew not playing because of numbers)

Result: 1-1 (1-0 at H/T)

Goals: 1-0: Venkataraman

Yellow Cards: 2 (Resnik & Cornejo) although apparently Teesdale was downgraded to merely a yellow, in keeping with the referee interpreting the rules in a haphazard fashion.

Red Card: Teesdale, since although it was downgraded we still had to play with 10 men for the majority of the game.

Mike D’s aka No Shows: A few borderline Mike D’s but hard to come down on people when there were 19 yes’s on the evite.

Conboy’s aka Reverse Mike D’s: Drew, even though not needed.

Old Man of the Match: A few good performances came down once again to the people who stayed at the bar, although Shafranek’s performance stood out on its own right against a physical Pele front line.

Old Man of the Bar: A fairly timid showing given the long weekend.

Team Bar Showing: 8 out of 15 + Drew (53%)

Team Bar Night: 2 out of 5 – The CPR wedding the day before as well as Friday’s pre-wedding festivities took a lot out of people.

Team (No new profiles this week): Mark Becker (GK), Mark Resnik (DF) , Gavin Hamilton (DF), Marc Walby (DF), Scott Shafranek (DF), Steve Teesdale (DF), Steve Morse, Manohar Venkataraman , Manuel Casanova , Creighton Mershon, Jose Cornejo, Hakan Nizam, Yuval Lion, Adi Gallagher, Kevin Fink

Scouting Report: Pele haven’t changed much from the previous scouting report, with a penchant to vociferously disagree amongst themselves they have physicality, speed and athleticism to help them overcome this. There is some penchant for their physicality to border on dirty, especially for their striker who justifiably got himself sent off.

Goalie: Certainly not one of their strong points, his response to the back pass to him was comical and should have resulted in an own goal but for the grace of the post. Grade: C

Defenders: Smart defenders with good physical tools and a solid understanding of the game. Although they allowed CPR some space on the break they were able to recover. Grade: B.

Midfielders: Physical and with the ability to spread the ball around, they passed crisply and spread the ball around the field. CPR had to have an exceptional game to contain them. Grade: B+

Strikers: Excellent speed, they only lacked chances due to CPR’s dogged & smart defending. The one striker’s unnecessarily dirty play drags the grade down, and if he’s playing next time the referee needs a warning to look out for him before the game. Physicality is fine, dirty play is quite another thing. Grade: B-