Match Report Disclaimer (This one goes out to my avid fans on the Brooklyn Gunners. I will be delighted to provide you with signed copies of my latest masterpiece ‘Don’t Cry, its only an Over 30’s Sunday League Game’, a novel regarding keeping things in perspective):

It has come to my attention that after 10 years of writing match reports and numerous commendations from both inside & outside the club, there have been a couple of recent opponents whose thin skin and penchant for the latest American fad of political correctness has caused copious weeping at the unfairness of their portrayals. I humbly apologize and would suggest the following in order to avoid being cruelly called out:

• If you were thrashed 7-1 in a game that wasn’t even that close, then don’t act aggrieved about not getting an ‘A’ for your play. At what point do you think maybe it wasn’t your best effort? 10-1? 15-1? 20-1?

• If you have been called a donkey, feel free to avail yourself of the many practice facilities and pick up games around the city to up your game. It is not my fault that you are a donkey, and if you don’t like it then you need to practice.

• If you have been called fat, then the next time you are at the buffet table I would refrain from piling your plate to the point that it puts the chandelier in mortal danger. Alternatively you may choose to follow my strategy and make sure you remain thin enough comparatively to enough of your teammates so that you blend in. This strategy will not work if your entire team is composed of fatties.

• If you have been called a dirty player, then I would stop tackling people with your studs up from behind while also throwing elbows and sticking your fingers into various opponent’s orifices (Teesdale had to use a doll to show what happened to him recently). Physical play is fine, but if you are dirty you will be called out. We play to have fun and all have to work on Monday (well, most of us).

• If you are a referee then I would suggest you read the rules since you are getting paid for implementing them. Nobody doubts that refereeing is a brutal job, the problem arises when the following happens:

o You implement the rules inconsistently, letting one tackle go, giving a yellow for the identical tackle and then let the next one go

o You allow increasingly physical play to escalate out of line forcing the players to take matters into their own hands

o You create your own rules. An example would be last weekend when you didn’t see an incident and decided to give both players a red card. I repeat, you told us you didn’t see the incident, and decided to give both players a red card. Think about that stupidity for a second.

o You decide that a Sunday league Over 30’s game is an opportunity to show how it should be you officiating the Champions League Final. Examples of this are giving a yellow card to a player before the game for smoking on the side of the field, making both teams march out to the middle of the field and shake hands, forcing players to tuck their shirts in and generally throwing yellow cards around like confetti if anybody even looks at you. You are not the law, you’re just a guy refereeing a game between a bunch of old fat guys. This should be easy. Stop being a pompous jackass.

I accept mediocre refereeing at this level, nay I expect it. I have given many referees praise after games, but if you don’t want to be called out, just avoid the previous 4 rules. And if you are an opponent and don’t want to be insulted, then realize that this is an Over 30’s league played for fun, hence the Man of the Bar awards, the Bar Attendance and the abundant general mockery of team individuals. Feel free to write your own rebuttal, although I pity the fool who tries to match my worldwide audience (the week of November 9th when I reached 202 page views will not soon be forgotten).

Actual Match Report

A 2pm start after Creighton’s Kentucky Derby party wasn’t the worst thing in the world, although one look at the high 80’s weather forecast did put a damper on things. What the team hadn’t anticipated was the disastrous effect the 5 borough bike ride would have on the long trek out to Verazzano. Despite leaving in plenty of time, the team barely had the minimum 7 available to start on the expected dodgy pitch covered in goose droppings (at least they were dry this time, which made it marginally less disgusting than playing out there in the rain). With only a slim chance to end up in the top 2 the game appeared to be merely an end of season kickabout. However a couple of players on the Gunners seemed especially ready to play. Apparently they were upset at the documented details of their early season 7-1 thrashing to CPR, deciding to blame the messenger instead of their execrable play in that game. A sense of humour and perspective regarding playing in the bottom division of the Over 30’s league seems to have escape some people. None of this was relevant to the first half, which was purely a defensive rear guard action by the 7 CPR players on the field. Spreading themselves out and conceding space to the Gunners they managed to only concede 1 goal before reinforcements arrived, a very well taken right footed strike from outside the penalty area. With Faherty & Morse eventually joining the team on the field it was still a team of 9 trying to take on the well stocked Gunners.

	Take your time Morse, its not like we’re dying out here in the heat with only 7 people or anything. Have another slice of cheese.

The dilemma of trying to make some forays into the opponent’s half while getting back was exposed for the second goal. With CPR attacking at length on the left, the Gunners were able to exploit a quick throw in down the right hand side. Although lucky to get away with a handball by the striker, the pass to the original goalscorer resulted in a sublime chip and a 2 goal lead. The exhausted CPR were buoyed by the appearance of a few more team members and were able to limp in to the half only 2 goals down, a triumph in itself. The team rearranged itself and now also had the luxury of two substitutes, but unfortunately the positions did not lend themselves to maximizing the subs as it was clear that Resnik & Hamilton would have to play the entire game in central defence, probably the 5th and 6th choices in that position for the squad and also taking away their effectiveness in their normal positions. The referee was allowing a lot of physical play, albeit for both teams, but this played into the hands of the opponents burly striker who manhandled Resnik for the third and strategically critical goal.

At this point the game disintegrated into a chippy affair as Becker’s screaming at all and sundry only served to egg on the Gunner substitutes who celebrated the lead with unabashed glee. With a seemingly insurmountable lead the lead Gunner defender decided it was a great time to instigate, which spiraled play downwards for all concerned. An embarrassing spectacle for both teams for what should really be a fun Sunday afternoon playing football instead of domestic chores. One was happy that nobody was hurt after thunderous tackles started coming in from both sides and the referee acting as an innocent bystander. With CPR continuing to push players forward the inevitable space opened up at the back, and after a few last ditch clearances the field played its part as Becker miskicked the ball allowing the striker to walk the ball in, then bizarrely chasing the striker all the way to the sideline afterwards.

Despite the amount of ball control CPR had difficulty in scoring due to the sensational keeper of the Brooklyn Gunners. Two critical saves had an enormous impact on the game, one in the first half from a Steve Morse breakaway and another from a smooth as silk turn by Gallagher inside the box. Either one of those would have changed the complexion of the game, but the goalie was up to the challenge. Not so against the clinical free kicks of Hakan Nizam, the first of which missed scoring by an inch, hitting the post and blasting almost parallel to the line and out of the despairing reach of the other strikers. The second provided no chance for the keeper as CPR at least prevented the shut out.

A forgettable game in many respects, not least the frustration of playing undermanned for the first half in a very winnable game. The Gunners to their credit are vastly improved, but clearly their evaluation as ‘a seemingly decent bunch of guys’ as per the last match report is very much up for debate. One hopes that as they simmer down and review the big picture they gain perspective and play their part in what could be an enjoyable rivalry.

	How thin does your skin have to be to get wound up by a silly little match report? Apparently pretty thin.

Competition: Brooklyn Gunners

Location: Verazzano

Conditions: Energy sapping hot, high 80’s Fans: 0 (needed everyone out there)

Result: 1-4 (0-2 at H/T)

Goals: 1-4: Nizam

Yellow Cards: 2 (Becker & Hamilton)

Red Card: None, although two tackles from Gallagher & Hamilton could easily have been deemed straight reds on another day.

Mike D’s aka No Shows: Jose Cornejo. Creighton Mershon was sorely missed, but completely understandable given the cleanup involved after the derby party.

Conboy’s aka Reverse Mike D’s: Drew & Lars were very much needed today.

Old Man of the Match: Hakan Nizam had a terrific half and should have had 2 goals, but its called Old Man of the Match, not Old Man of the Half. For combating a very difficult striker to play against for an energy sapping 90 minutes both Hamilton & Resnik deserve a commendation, with Hamilton taking the award on the voting at the bar.

Old Man of the Bar: People were pretty tired after an exhausting game and a confusion regarding team values i.e. we play to have fun

Team Bar Showing: 9 out of 13 (69%)

Team Bar Night: 1 ½ out of 5 – Heat exhaustion and the days shenanigans took a lot out of people.

Team (No new profiles this week): Mark Becker (GK), Mark Resnik (DF) , Lars Murray (DF) ,Gavin Hamilton (DF), Drew Faherty (DF), Steve Teesdale (DF), Jake Beeman (DF), Steve Morse, Manohar Venkataraman , Hakan Nizam, Adi Gallagher, Kevin Fink, Ernesto Teran